6 Innings with Christopher Keeven
written by TWIF
This week we’re talking to rookie of the year prospect Christopher Keeven of Fear and Loathing on the Base Path. No, he’s not a mascot or piece of equipment, but since jumping into a Batting Triple Crown contest after Week 5 we wanted to find out his deal. What we learned wasn’t good. He’s from Missouri, or as he as a slaver would likely pronounce it, mih-ZUR-uh. His team is 5-5, but if they didn’t screw up so much, often because of Keeven’s many errors, they’d easily be 8-2 and well into the playoff hunt. They won’t see the post season, but they may have something to celebrate at the Champion’s Dinner if he holds on and becomes the fifth player in league history to win the Batting Triple Crown.
Christopher J. Keeven
Nickname: The Fraternal Order
Age: 28
Hometown: St. Louis
Resides: the District
Bats: like Albert Pujols
Throws: California gangsta-style pool parties
Seasons: .71
Batting Avg: .538, league leader
HR: 8, league leager
RBI: 12, co-league leader
Awards: Two nominations for POTW, no wins
TWIF: What is your favorite baseball team and who is your favorite baseball player of all time?
CK: St. Louis Cardinals; Willie McGee
TWIF: Muck Fizzou or Rock Chalk?
CK: Rock chalk chicken-hawk, go MIZZOU!
TWIF: What is your favorite thing about wiffleball?
CK: I love arriving at the yard on a clear, sunny day to hear the unmistakable crack of plastic on plastic when launching a towering home run, and then refraining from unnecessarily running the bases. The only similarly euphoric experience is to be wrapped in the welcoming embrace of a gentle, yet purposeful lover, under the cool mist of Iguazu Falls, while snacking on encased meats smothered in sauerkraut.
TWIF: Have you ever done anything under the bleachers you’re not proud of?
CK: I don’t know. I’ll tell you later. How’s your wife and my kids?
TWIF: If a plane crashed on the field while landing, what team would you want it to take out and why?
CK: Brosopherous. They’re the most ungentlemanly team in the PWL, and they defeated us twice. In the season opener, they won on a fluke, opposite field, walk-off double that painted the right field foul line. That loss set a poor tone for the season for FnL, like eating a chili half-smoke at Ben’s before trying to have sex.
TWIF: It’s your rookie season and after 5 weeks you find yourself in the hunt for something only the greats of the game have achieved, the batting triple crown. Your team plays like a roller coaster, beating top teams, but losing to guys you should run-rule. What do you know now that you wish you’d known before you ever showed up at the wiffleball fields, and how has that changed your strategy to finish this season out above .500?
CK: Aggressive base running and sound defense can dictate the outcome of a close game. Notwithstanding FnL’s poor focus in these areas, a playoff birth is still possible for us, and nobody wants to face our lineup and the tall lefty on the bump in the tournament. Believe that.
Color Commentary - posted 2010-05-20 18:14 in Six-Innings
6 Innings with Mr. Party
written by TWIF
It’s official…inanimate objects are more interesting this season than the players. (Don’t hold your breath for that Alex Filides soul searching interview, it isn’t coming.) So, for the second week in a row, we’re doing something different. Mr. Party is the mascot of his namesake team “Mr. Party’s Waddle”. A “waddle” is a group of penguins. Get it? Mr. Party’s Waddle. Nevermind. Anyway, we sat down with the bird, er, mammal…no, definitely a flightless bird, to talk about the team he represents. To be honest, he’s a bit of a prick.
Cornelius J. Pardee, Jr.
Nickname: Mr. Party
Age: 8
Hometown: Coulman Island, Antarctica (NZ)
Resides: Washington, DC
Employer: Emperor (title shared with 450,000 others)
Bats: L
Throws: Ambi-flipperous
TWIF: What is your favorite baseball team and who is your favorite baseball player of all time?
MP: My favorite team is the squad at Youngstown State University. My favorite player of all time is Ron Cey.
TWIF: Force a speed reading, or call it on yourself?
MP: My, er, people are very honourable, so as a gentleman, I’d definitely say call it on yourself. Forcing a reading is something dirty fucking seal would do.
TWIF: What is the toughest thing about being a mascot for your team?
MP: Making sure that the awesomeness I exude only extends to my boys. I don’t need that good penguin mojo spilling off on a Gnat, or an Alcoholic, or a Canvasser (whatever the fuck that is).
TWIF: Have you ever done anything under the bleachers you’re not proud of?
MP: Do you see any fucking bleachers around here? Besides, this league is a sausage-fest, what possible trouble could I get into?
TWIF: If you could drown one player in the Potomac this season, who would it be?
MP: It’s gonna be you, Gallaway, if you keep asking such bullshit questions. But I’ll give you the 16th person on my hit list, just so I don’t have to fight everyone at Gravelly Point this weekend (mind you, I could fight everyone, and I’d kick their fucking asses. I just don’t feel like it). Juliana Pearson of Rossi Posse. She knows why.
TWIF: Your team didn’t make the playoffs last year, and this season find yourselves in the toughest Division in the League. Is the Waddle destined to be just a middle of the road team that fills a schedule spot, or do you have a vision for getting this franchise off of the melting ice shelves and into the pennant race?
MP: I see how it is, “Commisioner”. You just want to shit all over my team, huh? I will flipper slap you so hard you’ll be using Ragano’s testes as game balls, you dirty mother…ok, ok, I’m calming, I’m calming, I’m calming…I’m calm.
Listen, the Waddle’s gonna be fine. They were in contention all of last season, as an expansion team. And so far they’ve EXCEEDED the win total from your precious Commisioner’s predictions. All we need is some offense to supplement Sully’s pitching and we’ll be dominating this two-bit league, and our new guy Shugar seems to have started that up with a ribbie earlier this season. If one of Coaks, Leni, or Cain gets off their ass and starts hitting, we can win this whole damn league. So back off, will ya? You know what, fuck this, this interview is OVER!
Color Commentary [1] - posted 2010-05-13 18:16 in Six-Innings
6 Innings with the Super Striper
written by Commissioner Gallaway
This week’s profile is with the Super Striper. The Striper is the league’s best utility player. Lining three fields each week, and recently her responsibilities have grown from just foul lines and the arc to include batters’ boxes. This is the rookie season for a brand new Striper. Our previous chief painter had been with the Commissioner since before there was even a league in DC, getting her start in 2003 in the Lawrence, Kansas league. She was finally forced into retirement by a bad handle at the end of the last season. The company that makes the Striper offers a lifetime guarantee, and would have replaced the device for free, but it would have meant shipping the old one back. We just couldn’t do that, so we sent the previous one to the Hall of Fame, and got a fresh start with the new one.
Athletic Super Striper
Nickname: Stripes
Age: 1
Hometown: Cary, Illinois
Resides: Woodley Park, Washington, DC
Employer: Fox Valley Systems, Inc
Bats: N/A
Throws: …paint in a very straight line
Seasons: 1
Wheels: 10”
Best Feature: Kan Shakers
Awards: None
TWIF: What is your favorite baseball team and who is your favorite baseball player of all time?
SS: 1985 Pittsburgh Pirates. Keith Hernandez, because he made the best looking lines.
TWIF: Fair Arc or Batters Box?
SS: Fair Arc. It’s easy, hard to mess up. The Batters Boxes are tough. We only had to add them because some douchebag in Spring Training was crowding the plate and the powers that be realized you could block inside pitches from being called strikes if there wasn’t a line. The league needs a template, but there is lack of storage room in the rental van already, so it’s likely to still be done by eyeball and tape measure for the near future.
TWIF: Worst field?
SS Red, by far. It’s got the worst grass, the big rock by third base, and the droopiest fence. The field layout specialist (a/k/a temporary laborer) hired by the league really let the standards go on the final field. Also, we use it less than every other field, and yet, it still takes the same amount of paint. Explain that, Darwin.
TWIF: Have you ever done anything under the bleachers you’re not proud of?
SS: You have to shake the can for a full minute AFTER you hear the ball dislodge and start rattling around. Seriously though, the worst thing I’ve probably ever done is tell the National Park Service I’m using the special, environmentally safe paint, but really we got some cheap shit from Korea that will burn the hair off your…whatever.
TWIF: If you could drown one player in the Potomac this season, who would it be?
SS: The players don’t really bother me. It’s mostly the idiots who ignore the lines, the fences, and the actively being played wiffleball game and still walk across the field on their way to some bullshit picnic, dysfunctional family gathering, or awkward first date at what they think is some park or nice view of the DC skyline but really happens to be the premier wiffleball complex in the country. Though, if I had to name a player, it’s probably Matt Dreyfus because he’s a cock-tease.
TWIF: It’s your first season, replacing a career veteran. We’ve also just moved to new fields, expanded to 12 teams, and added a strike board. So, as far as new things go, you’ve been overlooked a little bit. How do you fit into the future of the PWL, and what’s your biggest challenge to getting some recognition?
SS: It was tough to step into the wheels of the old striper. But, my job is not to be noticed. If I’m doing my job, no one says anything about the lines or the boxes. If I get a little off on a baseline, and people start to talk about the line being less than straight, or even…crooked, then I know I need to work harder. I’ll always be there, but I don’t need to be in the spotlight to give good paint.
Color Commentary [1] - posted 2010-05-06 21:57 in Six-Innings
6 Innings with Jesse Contario
written by TWIF
This week’s profile is with Jesse Contario. Fresh off a Rookie of the Year Award and a World Series appearance last year with Flaglove, with a new team name and a new, tougher division, Contario is trying to avoid a sophomore slump. The opening week of the season was rough on him, but week 2 was even worse. He left his team and skipped out to drive to Vermont to attend a Justin Bieber concert. He needs to get back on track if the Bros have any chance of making it back to the Spring Fall Classic.
Jesse Contario
Team: Brosephorous Rex
Nickname: Longface
Age: 27
Hometown: Geneva, New York
Resides: Arlington, VA
Employer: Greenberg Quinlan Rosner Research
Bats: R
Throws: R
Seasons: 1
Career Avg: .422
Career Slg: .933
Awards: Rookie of the Year and Player of the Week
TWIF: What is your favorite baseball team and who is your favorite baseball player of all time?
JC: New York Mets and favorite player is probably Darryl Strawberry, that guy was a BAMF.
TWIF: Small ball or big inning?
JC: Small ball – you know how we do.
TWIF: Who is the most annoying member of Flaglove?
JC: Conventional wisdom says Paul “biggest a-hole in six counties” Costello, but it’s really Week 2 POTW-hopeful Sean Conway.
TWIF: Have you ever done anything under the bleachers you’re not proud of?
JC: After a few beers I’ve been known to force party guests at my home to watch the video of me hitting dingers on the PWL website – but that’s nothing to be embarrassed about right?
TWIF: If you could drown one player in the Potomac this season, who would it be?
JC: Two weeks ago I would have said Tony, but now I just feel bad for him. He’s playing on a .500 club that isn’t nationally ranked. I guess if I keep hitting like I did in week one maybe I’ll have to put the cement boots on my own feet.
TWIF: Rookie of the Year. A World Series appearance. It was a great rookie season for you and your entire team. The only real disappointment, besides losing the World Series, was your team name. Widely considered the worst in the league. Now, you’ve gone even worse this season. How can you guys overcome the name to find wiffleball success?
JC: In Latin Brosepherous Rex loosely translates to king of the Brosifs – and that’s kind of how we live our lives. It’s the only way we know how. Last year was a whirlwind – having to win our last six games of the regular season just to make the playoffs and then playing great ball to beat Clubber Lang and head to the World Series. It was a great learning experience. Last year was fun but we’re going to have to play better, early this season if we want any shot at making the playoffs in the new and improved PWL. Shit just got real.
Color Commentary - posted 2010-04-22 21:38 in Six-Innings
6 Innings with Andrew Martin
written by TWIF
This week’s profile is with Andrew Martin. Since he’s so fun on the field, we thought he might be fun to talk to. Boy were we wrong. Martin is the competitively tempered pitcher of the Alcoholics Anonymous. And, despite the team name, he’s a better pitcher, and human being, when he’s 2/3 into a six pack of PBR. He pitches hard, and hardly bats. Despite non-stop abuse from the rest of the league, he keeps coming back, and that makes us happy.
Andrew Martin
Team: Alcoholics Anonymous
Nickname: Burns (cause of the massive sideburns)
Age: 22
Hometown: Damascus, MD
Resides: Germantown, MD
Employer: Montgomery College
Bats: R
Throws: R
Seasons: 1
Career ERA: 0.58
Career K’s: 57 (3rd on the all-time career list after 1 season)
Awards: Don’t be ridiculous
TWIF: What is your favorite baseball team and who is your favorite baseball player of all time?
AM: Atlanta Braves, Larry Chipper Jones.
TWIF: Pitcher’s hand or pegging?
AM: Pegging.
TWIF: Care to elaborate?
AM: .
TWIF: What is your favorite thing about wiffleball?
AM: Drinking beer and the chase for the Cy Young.
TWIF: Isn’t that two things?
AM: .
TWIF: Have you ever done anything under the bleachers you’re not proud of?
AM: I’m proud of everything I’ve done.
TWIF: If one player could fall through one of the Ft. Reno sink holes and disappear forever, who would you want it to be? (NOTE: Our inteview took place before we moved to Gravelly. Trust us, there were sink holes.)
AM: Dallas Brown and people will know why if they watch the game footage against Joe Buck Yourself.
TWIF: Some people say you’re the most annoying guy in the league. Others think you’re just in the top two. It’s clear you come to play ball, and play through the distractions, but tell us why everyone has judged you wrong, and you’re really a likeable guy we’d want to hang out with.
AM: During the games I’m probably annoying as hell cause I just talk shit but outside of wiffleball I like to have fun and I don’t talk shit. People just take what I say during games too seriously. They don’t realize that I am only like that in sports because that is the only place they know me from.
Color Commentary [2] - posted 2010-04-15 19:44 in Six-Innings
6 Innings with Matt Dreyfus
written by TWIF
We’re bringing back a fan favorite this week, our 6 Questions for 6 Innings profile of a current league player. We’ll try to keep up and do one each week of the regular season so you get to know some of the characters in the league better.
This week, it’s Matt Dreyfus. Fresh off a World Series Championship with the Canvassers, but now back with his old team Scared Hitless, Dreyfus is one of the premier hitters in the league. He opens up about his priorities and his history, but we forgot to ask him about his socks.
Matt Dreyfus
Team: Scared Hitless
Nickname: The Big Cat
Age: 28
Hometown: Miller Place, NY
Resides: Rockville, MD
Employer: Consumer Product Safety Commission
Bats: R
Throws: R
PHOTO: Dreyfus, pictured in his college wiffleball days. The name of the bat was “Vindicator”. He was also into Tomb Raider.
Seasons: 3
Career AVG: .541
Career SLG: 1.033
Awards: Gold Glove for Pitcher, Gold Glove for Catcher, Rookie of the Year, Four Nominations for Player of the Week
TWIF: What is your favorite baseball team and who is your favorite baseball player of all time?
MD: I’ve been a NY Mets fan forever. I had a Darryl Strawberry poster on my wall and imitated his batting stance on the wiffle fields of my youth. Probably good I didn’t know about his, um, transgressions during that time. With all that said, as a DC resident for 2 years I’ve taken kindly to the Nationals. I’m definitely on the Strasburg bandwagon- I’ve heard he is 8 feet tall, breathes fire and throws fastballs at the speed of sound.
TWIF: Home run, or legging a single into a double?
MD: Chicks and I both dig the long ball. Hits come and go, but a perfectly crushed wiffleball- that stays with you. I never forget a quality home run.
TWIF: What is your favorite thing about wiffleball?
MD: I thought about discussing how wiffleball captures the essences of nostalgia and competition, but really it boils down to one thing: I love to unleash the wrath (aka hit the crap out of the ball). When that correlates to winning games, what is not to like?
TWIF: Have you ever done anything under the bleachers you’re not proud of?
MD: My agent has prepared a response on behalf:
“Matt apologizes to his friends, family, and fans around the world. These issues are a private matter, and Matt has taken necessary steps to make amends. He went to a leading treatment facility over the offseason, and is ready to turn to the next page in his career.”
TWIF: If you could lock up one player from the league in the Fort tower for the season, who would it be?
MD: I have to say no one – vanquishing my nemeses on the field of battle is infinitely more satisfying than avoiding them altogether. That’s assuming the strike board will be put in effect this season. Otherwise, anyone who takes hittable pitches on purpose should be locked away. That is valuable time wasted where I could be batting.
TWIF: After three seasons, you’re a .541 hitter, one of the best in the league, but you almost missed the playoffs, and your first World Championship, last season because you got married. If your wedding was a bigger priority than wiffleball, are you really doing what it takes to be one of the all time great wiffleball players, hall of fame bound?
MD: I’ve faced these criticisms and take questions about my determination very seriously. As a result, if my wife were to procreate, we have agreed that she will not give birth on a Sunday, or on any weekday when a postseason game is scheduled. Additionally, in my newest Scared Hitless contract, I have agreed never to get married again.
Color Commentary - posted 2010-04-08 21:00 in Six-Innings
6 Innings With Jake Tomko
written by TWIF
The guest this week is another rookie, Jake Tomko. In just three weeks, Tomko has two POTW nominations under his belt. If only his teammates had voted for him, he might even have hardware. He’s part of the league’s shiny new object, the Blandsford Barnburners. Where is Blandsford? Why are they burning down barns? You won’t find answers to these questions here, but if you offer to buy them beer, or introduce them to a girl, they might tell you. Tomko’s streak of 20 perfect innings, the only 20 he’s thrown, is the longest in league history. Is he the best pitcher in the PWL, and if so, do we really care? The streak may end soon, but the first guy who has a real shot at the Pitching Triple Crown will hopefully be around for a while.
Read the full entry - Color Commentary - posted 2009-06-05 00:23 in Six-Innings
6 Innings with Michael Kirby
written by TWIF
We’re bringing back a fan favorite this week by sitting down with Michael Kirby for Six Questions in Six Innings. Kirby was named as the league photographer by Commissioner Gallaway this week, becoming the second person in history to hold the job. The last photographer, Chris Kennedy, did great work, but disappeared shortly after his appointment. We’re hoping Kirby sticks around longer. He took a record 99 photos during Week 2. If only his batting average was that high.
Read the full entry - Color Commentary [5] - posted 2009-05-05 21:16 in Six-Innings
6 Innings with Brian Clapp
written by TWIF
We’re bringing back a fan favorite this week by sitting down with Brian Clapp for Six Questions in Six Innings. Clapp begins his third season in the PWL managing a team that seems more likely to fit in at an Amnesty International rally than a wiffleball field. Sporting pirate uniforms and a traveling with a posse that can’t be counted on two hands they make the chatty Masterbatters look like Calvin Coolidge. Their come from behind victory over the Mud Puppies during week one showed they are for real, and their leader also ripped his first career homer while putting on an impressive offensive performance. Sure, it was his 4 errors in the field that helped get them run-ruled in the second game, but don’t count them out or you’ll be walking the plank.
Read the full entry - Color Commentary - posted 2008-04-09 23:09 in Six-Innings
6 Innings with David Gross
written by TWIF
David Gross sits down with us this week for 6 Innings. As the 3rd or 4th man on the dream team, two-time World Champion Canvassers, David was often out of the spotlight. Now, managing his own team, named after his fiesty player and business partner, Mary’s Mad Dogs, he’s coming into his own. Will his team, that started off to a 4-0 start be able to hold on and make the playoffs? Only time will tell.
Read the full entry - Color Commentary - posted 2007-06-09 18:46 in Six-Innings
