6 Innings with the Super Striper
This week’s profile is with the Super Striper. The Striper is the league’s best utility player. Lining three fields each week, and recently her responsibilities have grown from just foul lines and the arc to include batters’ boxes. This is the rookie season for a brand new Striper. Our previous chief painter had been with the Commissioner since before there was even a league in DC, getting her start in 2003 in the Lawrence, Kansas league. She was finally forced into retirement by a bad handle at the end of the last season. The company that makes the Striper offers a lifetime guarantee, and would have replaced the device for free, but it would have meant shipping the old one back. We just couldn’t do that, so we sent the previous one to the Hall of Fame, and got a fresh start with the new one.
Athletic Super Striper
Nickname: Stripes
Age: 1
Hometown: Cary, Illinois
Resides: Woodley Park, Washington, DC
Employer: Fox Valley Systems, Inc
Bats: N/A
Throws: …paint in a very straight line
Seasons: 1
Wheels: 10”
Best Feature: Kan Shakers
Awards: None
TWIF: What is your favorite baseball team and who is your favorite baseball player of all time?
SS: 1985 Pittsburgh Pirates. Keith Hernandez, because he made the best looking lines.
TWIF: Fair Arc or Batters Box?
SS: Fair Arc. It’s easy, hard to mess up. The Batters Boxes are tough. We only had to add them because some douchebag in Spring Training was crowding the plate and the powers that be realized you could block inside pitches from being called strikes if there wasn’t a line. The league needs a template, but there is lack of storage room in the rental van already, so it’s likely to still be done by eyeball and tape measure for the near future.
TWIF: Worst field?
SS Red, by far. It’s got the worst grass, the big rock by third base, and the droopiest fence. The field layout specialist (a/k/a temporary laborer) hired by the league really let the standards go on the final field. Also, we use it less than every other field, and yet, it still takes the same amount of paint. Explain that, Darwin.
TWIF: Have you ever done anything under the bleachers you’re not proud of?
SS: You have to shake the can for a full minute AFTER you hear the ball dislodge and start rattling around. Seriously though, the worst thing I’ve probably ever done is tell the National Park Service I’m using the special, environmentally safe paint, but really we got some cheap shit from Korea that will burn the hair off your…whatever.
TWIF: If you could drown one player in the Potomac this season, who would it be?
SS: The players don’t really bother me. It’s mostly the idiots who ignore the lines, the fences, and the actively being played wiffleball game and still walk across the field on their way to some bullshit picnic, dysfunctional family gathering, or awkward first date at what they think is some park or nice view of the DC skyline but really happens to be the premier wiffleball complex in the country. Though, if I had to name a player, it’s probably Matt Dreyfus because he’s a cock-tease.
TWIF: It’s your first season, replacing a career veteran. We’ve also just moved to new fields, expanded to 12 teams, and added a strike board. So, as far as new things go, you’ve been overlooked a little bit. How do you fit into the future of the PWL, and what’s your biggest challenge to getting some recognition?
SS: It was tough to step into the wheels of the old striper. But, my job is not to be noticed. If I’m doing my job, no one says anything about the lines or the boxes. If I get a little off on a baseline, and people start to talk about the line being less than straight, or even…crooked, then I know I need to work harder. I’ll always be there, but I don’t need to be in the spotlight to give good paint.
The BC, May 7, 03:51 PM:
I told you Stripes, it’s over. Leave me alone and stay away from my family. Don’t think I didn’t notice the streak of white paint going up to my window.