6 Innings with Mr. Party
It’s official…inanimate objects are more interesting this season than the players. (Don’t hold your breath for that Alex Filides soul searching interview, it isn’t coming.) So, for the second week in a row, we’re doing something different. Mr. Party is the mascot of his namesake team “Mr. Party’s Waddle”. A “waddle” is a group of penguins. Get it? Mr. Party’s Waddle. Nevermind. Anyway, we sat down with the bird, er, mammal…no, definitely a flightless bird, to talk about the team he represents. To be honest, he’s a bit of a prick.
Cornelius J. Pardee, Jr.
Nickname: Mr. Party
Age: 8
Hometown: Coulman Island, Antarctica (NZ)
Resides: Washington, DC
Employer: Emperor (title shared with 450,000 others)
Bats: L
Throws: Ambi-flipperous
TWIF: What is your favorite baseball team and who is your favorite baseball player of all time?
MP: My favorite team is the squad at Youngstown State University. My favorite player of all time is Ron Cey.
TWIF: Force a speed reading, or call it on yourself?
MP: My, er, people are very honourable, so as a gentleman, I’d definitely say call it on yourself. Forcing a reading is something dirty fucking seal would do.
TWIF: What is the toughest thing about being a mascot for your team?
MP: Making sure that the awesomeness I exude only extends to my boys. I don’t need that good penguin mojo spilling off on a Gnat, or an Alcoholic, or a Canvasser (whatever the fuck that is).
TWIF: Have you ever done anything under the bleachers you’re not proud of?
MP: Do you see any fucking bleachers around here? Besides, this league is a sausage-fest, what possible trouble could I get into?
TWIF: If you could drown one player in the Potomac this season, who would it be?
MP: It’s gonna be you, Gallaway, if you keep asking such bullshit questions. But I’ll give you the 16th person on my hit list, just so I don’t have to fight everyone at Gravelly Point this weekend (mind you, I could fight everyone, and I’d kick their fucking asses. I just don’t feel like it). Juliana Pearson of Rossi Posse. She knows why.
TWIF: Your team didn’t make the playoffs last year, and this season find yourselves in the toughest Division in the League. Is the Waddle destined to be just a middle of the road team that fills a schedule spot, or do you have a vision for getting this franchise off of the melting ice shelves and into the pennant race?
MP: I see how it is, “Commisioner”. You just want to shit all over my team, huh? I will flipper slap you so hard you’ll be using Ragano’s testes as game balls, you dirty mother…ok, ok, I’m calming, I’m calming, I’m calming…I’m calm.
Listen, the Waddle’s gonna be fine. They were in contention all of last season, as an expansion team. And so far they’ve EXCEEDED the win total from your precious Commisioner’s predictions. All we need is some offense to supplement Sully’s pitching and we’ll be dominating this two-bit league, and our new guy Shugar seems to have started that up with a ribbie earlier this season. If one of Coaks, Leni, or Cain gets off their ass and starts hitting, we can win this whole damn league. So back off, will ya? You know what, fuck this, this interview is OVER!
Phord, May 14, 04:17 AM:
Party, man, why havn’t we hung out? I bet you can see the “type the two words” better than I can because it is black and white..