6 Innings with Christopher Keeven
This week we’re talking to rookie of the year prospect Christopher Keeven of Fear and Loathing on the Base Path. No, he’s not a mascot or piece of equipment, but since jumping into a Batting Triple Crown contest after Week 5 we wanted to find out his deal. What we learned wasn’t good. He’s from Missouri, or as he as a slaver would likely pronounce it, mih-ZUR-uh. His team is 5-5, but if they didn’t screw up so much, often because of Keeven’s many errors, they’d easily be 8-2 and well into the playoff hunt. They won’t see the post season, but they may have something to celebrate at the Champion’s Dinner if he holds on and becomes the fifth player in league history to win the Batting Triple Crown.
Christopher J. Keeven
Nickname: The Fraternal Order
Age: 28
Hometown: St. Louis
Resides: the District
Bats: like Albert Pujols
Throws: California gangsta-style pool parties
Seasons: .71
Batting Avg: .538, league leader
HR: 8, league leager
RBI: 12, co-league leader
Awards: Two nominations for POTW, no wins
TWIF: What is your favorite baseball team and who is your favorite baseball player of all time?
CK: St. Louis Cardinals; Willie McGee
TWIF: Muck Fizzou or Rock Chalk?
CK: Rock chalk chicken-hawk, go MIZZOU!
TWIF: What is your favorite thing about wiffleball?
CK: I love arriving at the yard on a clear, sunny day to hear the unmistakable crack of plastic on plastic when launching a towering home run, and then refraining from unnecessarily running the bases. The only similarly euphoric experience is to be wrapped in the welcoming embrace of a gentle, yet purposeful lover, under the cool mist of Iguazu Falls, while snacking on encased meats smothered in sauerkraut.
TWIF: Have you ever done anything under the bleachers you’re not proud of?
CK: I don’t know. I’ll tell you later. How’s your wife and my kids?
TWIF: If a plane crashed on the field while landing, what team would you want it to take out and why?
CK: Brosopherous. They’re the most ungentlemanly team in the PWL, and they defeated us twice. In the season opener, they won on a fluke, opposite field, walk-off double that painted the right field foul line. That loss set a poor tone for the season for FnL, like eating a chili half-smoke at Ben’s before trying to have sex.
TWIF: It’s your rookie season and after 5 weeks you find yourself in the hunt for something only the greats of the game have achieved, the batting triple crown. Your team plays like a roller coaster, beating top teams, but losing to guys you should run-rule. What do you know now that you wish you’d known before you ever showed up at the wiffleball fields, and how has that changed your strategy to finish this season out above .500?
CK: Aggressive base running and sound defense can dictate the outcome of a close game. Notwithstanding FnL’s poor focus in these areas, a playoff birth is still possible for us, and nobody wants to face our lineup and the tall lefty on the bump in the tournament. Believe that.
